I’ve Only Felt You But Never Met You, Yet You Stole My Heart Forever. Maddox I Love You!

This is going to be a tough post to write, but I’ve given it some thought, discussed it over with my Husband and I think that it’s time you all know what we’ve been going through over the past year.

As you may or may not know I was pregnant a little over a year ago & due about June 2012. I had an extremely healthy and relaxing pregnancy. No morning sickness, no aches or pains. I was at home able to really just spend as much time relaxing and prepping myself for the beautiful baby that we were going to have.  I actually started this blog when I was about a month pregnant to have something to do throughout the pregnancy and it was really nice because whenever I would put the computer close to my belly, Maddox (Our baby) would kick it as if to tell me to move it because it was bothering him, I connected to him as if he where already here.
I was home alone all day throughout the week until my husband would get home from work, so I would talk to him (my belly) and he would keep me company by kicking and moving around (in my head I guess that meant he was responding to my words).

It was Sunday March 4th, 2012 and it was not such a nice day; I told my husband that seeing I was 6 months 3 weeks pregnant and we might not have a lazy Sunday when he was born that we should take advantage and not do anything, stay in bed all day, relax and have special me and him time, so we did. We watched movies, cooked and just relaxed. We really enjoyed ourselves this day; we went to bed said our goodnight’s to Maddox as we did every night and dozed off to sleep. I woke up to go to the bathroom Monday in the early morning around 6am and didn’t feel him move and had a nudge that something was off, but I didn’t think much of it. The next morning I woke up at 8:45 and thought that it was odd because since Maddox had started kicking I woke up every morning at 8 max 8:30am and to wake up late without even a kick made me feel strange; I tried to think of what it could be and then thought that maybe he was just being lazy and that he might be resting, I had felt him be a riot all day on Sunday so I thought he was just resting and relaxing.

I had a Dr. appointment anyway on Tuesday morning so I decided to wait, but all day Monday I had a gut feeling that something might not be right I tried calling and talking to friends to see if it is normal to not feel the baby kick and they said if it’s only been a couple of hours then yes, so I tried talking to him, I played music, I ate sugary foods. I did occasionally feel as if maybe he would stick his butt out or something so although no kicks he was still moving somewhat. Monday night when my Husband told him goodnight he didn’t move or kick which is what he would normally do, I was sick to my stomach and that’s when both my Husband and I started to get really concerned; we didn’t sleep that night. I guess in certain movements that my body would make his body would move and stick to one side and so I thought that that was him coming up for a little rub. Tuesday in the AM I went to the Dr. and told her I had felt him all the way until Sunday night but Monday AM I didn’t except for the little nudges, she said that we would check for a heartbeat but not to worry because I had been perfect so she didn’t think that anything could be wrong. She started up the monitor and when we went to look for the heartbeat it wasn’t there, so she said that she wanted me to go to the neonatal hospital about 20 minutes away and told me to tell them that they couldn’t detect a heartbeat and try to get a second ultrasound.

We got there had an Ultrasound done, the technician said nothing stepped out of the room and in came the Dr., he showed us the screen and that’s when we saw him there not moving just laying inside there and not one movement not one heartbeat. If I have to describe what that moment felt like I would say ‘hell’, I couldn’t even start to believe that I would not be having a baby, it’s the worst pain I have ever had to deal with.
When they told us that the baby had infact passed and that they would have to induce labor we just wanted to die! I asked them what happened? What could it be? I had felt him kick? How is this even possible? They said that it happens, they said that the development was right up to the time 26 weeks & 4 days, so that means that yes we would’ve felt him move around all the way until then and then he just suddenly would’ve passed, no warning, no sign, no nothing we could do about it!

They admitted me Tuesday night to induce labor and I just had to ask for another ultrasound before we started the process just for peace of mind and the picture was the same as the first. My heart was shattered into a billion sad, angry, distraught, mortified, empty pieces.
They started giving me pills every 3 hours that would make me start having contractions and dilating, I was up all night with my Husband crying and with horrible contractions, they said that they were going to make sure that I wouldn’t feel any of the pain, (because when I found out that I would actually have to give birth, I was angry, I explicitly said that if I had to go through that and not have the joy of a baby I did not want to feel a thing) so they had me on a “morphine drip” and yet I still felt everything. I ended up giving birth naturally at around 7:30am on Wednesday March 7th, 2012 and felt the whole thing and it was the worst pain ever, I screamed and yelled and cried. At this point they asked if I wanted to see the baby all the while telling me that he was perfect, beautiful and gorgeous, but I asked to see my husband and when he came in the room I asked if he wanted to see Maddox and we both agreed under this shocking, stressful and completely out of this world moment that we did not want to remember our baby lifeless, we wanted to remember him lively and kicking. (I can’t say it was the right or best decision, but I can’t say that it wasn’t. All I know is we had to make a decision that we didn’t even know was to be made. We were caught off guard and made the best decisions for the state of mind we were in.)

They then asked if we wanted to get an autopsy performed and we said yes. We wanted to know what went wrong. What could they potentially tell us that could give us some sort of closure; peace of mind, an Answer is what we needed. So, they had us sign papers for the release of the body. Then they also asked us if we wanted to bury him or if we were fine with them burying him at the local cemetery. I honestly was caught off guard. I had no idea about all this; I guess I never thought about what happens in situations such as these. But it is a body and you have to bury it. So, we decided that seeing as they bury all the babies in this one lot at the cemetery that we would like him to be surrounded by other babies and so we told them to do it and hence signed more paperwork.  They said that it would all take about 2 months before everything was done and he would be at the cemetery.

They left the room and said that they would be back to check on me and make sure that everything was fine and my uterus was clean. I had delivered the amniotic sac intact, so they said they assumed that the uterus must be clean but they need to check with the monitor.
When they checked me later the PM they said that everything seemed fine and that they would double check in the morning. In the meantime we stayed a night in the hospital grieving and I think still in complete unbeknownst shock of what was going on. The next morning they checked me and cleared us to go home. They prescribed some shots that I would have to administer to myself for the next 12 days and also some pills to take to dry up the milk. Again, I was in total shock that I would have milk coming out for about the next 4-6months. I thought only if you have a baby would that happen and then the Dr. mentioned to me that I did have a baby; and that was just crazy for me to think about. I had a baby but I wasn’t bringing him home.

It all happens so fast. Literally! One minute you’re trying to plan parenthood, making lists about what you want to do, how you want to raise your child, talking to your belly, and the next minute you’re in a hospital signing papers, taking pills, making decisions that you didn’t know about or planned to make, and then you stop to look down and you can see your toes, no belly, no kick, no life growing inside of you. The world stops and you feel lost, like you don’t even know what just happened and what you are going to do next. Plans die and you just want to cry forever!

When we got home and opened the door to the house everything seemed to stop. And all you feel is a hole in your heart where there was to be love, love for the baby you planned to bring home after such an event. Everything makes you think about him. You crawl into a ball in the bed and just let yourself cry and be angry. Nothing really matters at this point, how can it; the most precious thing you and your Husband have ever created is gone and you don’t know how to feel, think or be.
It happened to be National Women’s Day here in Italy (which is a major Holiday) so my Mom and sister’s decided to come over and cook and just keep us company. (I have to admit I really didn’t want them there, I just wanted to cry and I knew if they come I wouldn’t be able to just sit there and cry). They came anyway; I just didn’t have the strength to hold up a phone to my ear & tell them no. All I can really remember is I was not hungry and the minute they left we crawled into bed and cried.

This is part of the letter that I wrote to my Mother-in-law and I just wanted to share it because I wrote it literally when I got home from the hospital, it’s what I felt at that moment and it’s the best description I have for you of our feelings:

What hurts more is looking down and not seeing him anymore, nights are extremely hard because it was our family time and I honestly hate to look at my stomach because it is flattening out really fast and I just wish he was there. I miss his kicks. I miss his nudges. I miss him. Nothing at the moment is truly consoling me and I just am so angry that he is gone, I wanted to finally have a family with Terry and I was so into it. I MISS HIM! It makes me so mad to know that he is gone and we didn’t get the chance to become parents. We were doing everything so perfect. I know that he is an angel watching over us but I wanted him to be our son.”

This is what I wrote to her the second day:

“Things will get better I know, I just don’t know how long will it take. We will never forget M. We loved him more than words will ever be able to say and we just still can’t believe it’s all done and he is gone. This is the second day home and it hasn’t been easy as we had planned so much around him, waking up this morning in our bed for the first time without M. has been really hard, I opened my eyes and before they were fully opened tears where already rolling down my cheeks. There is no reason to get up because I don’t have to feed anyone, and no one is asking for mommy’s attention anymore. I know it sounds silly, he never asked for anything, but every morning at 8:30 sharp he would start to kick me as if he was asking for breakfast and that is what I thought those kicks meant atleast. Also, looking at my blog bothers me some, because I started it when I found out I was pregnant and now trying to write without him kicking my stomach makes me feel empty. Alot of things have no meaning at the moment, and I know that I can’t give up. I just have to find some internal peace and learn how to cope and move on. Terry has been great with opening up and it has definitely brought me alot closer to him (I don’t know how close we are going to be after this, we already are so close) We are just taking it one moment, one step, one thought and one feeling at at time. I never know what the next thing is going to bring. I love you very much and so does your son.”

It’s tough to re-read this and go through these emotions but I want you to know what happens in the real world sometimes and people need to be informed that things like this can happen and it’s not as uncommon as you may think. There are emotions and I think that it’s nice to know that it’s ok to feel in certain ways and you are not crazy if you go through these same thoughts. I’ll give you the last piece of letter I wrote her a week later:

“Yes I decided to post something yesterday, I am not inspired but I feel like I owe it to M. and myself to not give up yet, if in a couple of month I still feel uninspired then I will stop but when my mind is a little more cleared.

Thanks for all the prayers, we really need them and although I am angry and my faith is dwindled, I appreciate the prayers. Time is flying and that is another of my fears, I am scared to death of moving on and forgetting what once was to be the most important person in our family. It’s tough because I want to move on and turn a new leaf but I feel like I am abandoning M. I know in my heart that he knows my love for him and how much he means to me and that a piece of my heart left with him and is there to comfort him, so therefore I could never truly abandon him, but I sometimes catch myself really hating the fact that I have to move on.

It’s so tough, I am a strong person and love to take care of others and like to absorb the pain so it doesn’t have to hurt anyone else, but I find myself to be the opposite in this situation. I am trying to be strong but I am so weak. I am trying to move on and yet I want to stay in the past. I know he’s in a better place and it happened for a good reason, but I want him to be here this was to be his home and no good reason can change that. I am trying to see the positive in the situation and all I can see is the negative. I try to distract myself but all I am truly and ever thinking is what happened. I know that I should eat and all I can think is that there is no one to feed. The days are changing and beautiful and I don’t want to go out because I wanted to enjoy them with him. I love Terry and I am trying to not bring him into my sadness because I want him to be happy….he deserves it more than anyone. I just have so many, many, many emotions.”

I want to mention that throughout this whole process I made sure that my Husband grieved just the way I did, for me it was extremely important that he feel comfortable enough to express himself, I insisted on him opening up and us crying together, I did not want him to hold anything in and just be strong for me because he lost his son as well. I didn’t want him to look back and resent me for not allowing him to be himself and express his feelings and emotions. Yes, I went through all the physical pain and I had all the signs still on my body of him, but both of our hearts were broken and it was our son, not just mine. I wanted us to experience the stages of grief together. And I certainly didn’t want this to tear us apart. I wanted him to tell me what he felt. As a woman you feel like a failure when something like this happens (atleast I know I did), I was the one that carried our son and he didn’t make it. I didn’t know if my husband resented me for that so I flat out asked him. He was just in shock that I would even ask something like that but I needed to heal correctly without any questions or concerns left behind. If we were going to heal; honesty and love was the only thing that would get us through this.

We got the results back from the Autopsy just like they said 2 months later and they didn’t find anything abnormal or any malformations, they said that they had found pneumonia developing in the lungs but they couldn’t define that as a COD because that’s the first place that infection develops in young bodies, so it could’ve been while we were inducing labor. As for the rest of the paper it describes every inch of your baby’s body, his head circumference, his eyes, his ears, his mouth, his nose, his heart, his length everything is described and that is one TOUGH paper to read.  At this point you cry because you can only imagine what your child would have looked like by piecing it all together.
Now, comes closure time, because up until now you are going to doctors visits, researching, reading, gathering information, and trying to get by. But when you get the ok to go to the cemetery it’s done, you are visually seeing something that you only imagined and you are seeing that this is truly over. It really has happened. That is how we both felt. It was a rough day to go to that cemetery and see this tiny little space. We had bought flowers and an Angel to put on his tomb and we just sat there and cried for a very, very long time.
Life at this moment sucks, you are exactly what you need to be angry and disappointed with everything that has occurred and that you are going through.
No one will ever understand the pain you have inside and no one will ever understand that telling you that everything is going to be fine; is bullshit. Yes, we will be fine eventually but our son will never be fine because he is gone. Again he’s in heaven but a parent doesn’t want to hear that. You shouldn’t have to bury your children, it’s unfair and my heart goes out to anyone that has had too.
It’s not like you lost your job and now u need to find a new one and someone pats you on shoulder and tells you “it’s going to be fine, it’s going to be ok”, yeah it will be you’ll find a new job and deal with this sucky period for now.
But how can you be fine when you lost something that no one or nothing will ever replace. You will always have a son that passed away so even if I have other children and we take family pictures there always will be Maddox missing. Birthday’s missed, first steps missed, first word missed, first day of school missed, our Son missed.  And that’s the reality of it all. You get through it, and learn to live with it. But you can’t change the hurt that is left behind because you’ll forever miss and love someone you didn’t have the amazing chance to meet!

It’s sad the things that we humans have to deal with. It’s nice to know that I have come to a place where know I don’t have to move on; I learned to live with. I have a scar that will never disappear, but it’s healing; and although a year later I can go to the cemetery without balling my eyes out I still randomly cry and miss Him! There is never a day that goes by that he doesn’t pop in my head (well maybe a day), but I’ll never forget and although people don’t like to talk about it for fear that they will make you remember or make you sad, well I say I never forget and I’ll never be happy about it; it’s not you that makes me sad it’s the thought that does, and no I don’t cry every single time I talk about him, but maybe sometimes I do, and so what! Who cares!
I am allowed to feel, I have a right to talk about something that is a part of my life. I do have a child, he may not walk or run around like others; but I know that one day I’ll meet him. He’s gone and why should I not talk about it for fear to make others uncomfortable. I should be uncomfortable. It happened to me. To us!! I only recently found out that the type of birth that I had is called an Angel Birth, so I know I have an Angel. But if we don’t do some research or talk to people you would never find out things. You’d be amazed out how many people out there can relate to our situation and yet until it happened to me I never even considered it being a possibility of an event that could occur.

A year and a half has passed and the emotions are many and just so different everyday, sometimes you feel hopeless, sometimes you cry, sometimes you want to talk about it and others you don’t. We got ourselves busy with trying to enjoy life and eachother and look forward to the future trying to create positive thoughts and just be there for eachother. I’ve learned that life is short and I have no problem eliminating people that aren’t a positive influence. I don’t walk around crying and playing the poor me card I try to have fun and be happy. When I talk about him it’s to inform and help others and not to make people pity me, I don’t need the pity it won’t change a darn thing.  All I need is for people to be open and honest. I know that my Angel is looking at me and I want him to know that I am a happy Mommy and I love him.

Thanks for listening. I hope that this helps you if by any chance you are going through a similar situation. I want to inform people that things do happen and I wouldn’t want anyone to be caught off guard or unprepared as we were. We get so much information about what pregnancy and bringing a child into this world is about, but we get no information about what happens if you don’t, or can’t, or something (God forbid) goes wrong, what are the things you will be asked, decisions to make, feelings to deal with. I want to help and if putting my story out there helps you; then I’m glad I mustered up the courage to do so.

May god bless you, and thanks for supporting mythineats and keeping this blog alive.
In loving Memory of our Precious Angel Maddox De FrancescoThurston

On a side note, I am not associated or affiliated at all with this project, atleast not at the moment hopefully I can help them out now. But, I randomly found this website the other day and I just want you all to take sometime to go on here and see what a wonderful project this is and what they are putting together. I was in awe when I saw this trailer the other day and how these people are trying to help all the families that lost a child or had pregnancy loss. Please check it out! Watch The Trailer, You Must! You can donate $5 to help get the documentary done.





55 thoughts on “I’ve Only Felt You But Never Met You, Yet You Stole My Heart Forever. Maddox I Love You!

  1. I’m so sorry you had to go through and are still going through this. I had a similar experience but at 17 weeks so not nearly as bad as you. I also had an induced delivery and again despite the morphine it didn’t even touch the pain. You are very brave to write the way you have, it has really touched me and I truly hope you and your husband continue to heal in the positive way you are: it sounds like you have a wonderful support network.

    • 17 weeks must be tough as well. I just want you to know that I appreciate you telling me, and you guys are my support network; this blog is important to me on so many levels but mainly because I started it out while pregnant and had so much support that I owe it to myself and you to continue posting.

      Thanks for stopping by mythineats and being so nice.

  2. I just don’t have words to say something my friend….I read all your situations and feelings you wrote above…You lost a precious part of your life and only you could feel the pain I know but I feel an ache inside my heart after reading this painful part of your life…
    He is definitely so happy watching from heaven his mommy got such love for him…..!!

    • Your words were very nice. Thanks for stopping by and being so supportive it means more than you can imagine.
      He’s our little angel watching down and I am proud to have honored him by helping and sharing my story with others.

      Sincerely, Mythineats

  3. You are an inspirational, strong woman… Super woman! Thank you for sharing your story.
    Love MIM xx

  4. I have had 2 miscarriages years ago. Those babies would have been about 25 & 23 years old now. For many years after I lost them, I served cupcakes on what should have been their birthdays. I don’t even think my family realized the dates it at the time.

    • Sorry for your loss.
      It’s hard because sometimes you feel that because they weren’t born that your family doesn’t consider them as grandchildren. Maybe it’s the way they deal with the loss but it’s still tough.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing support

    • That’s what I am hoping for. My strength comes from knowing that I can help others and that I am here for them to help them through my experience.

      Thanks for stopping by mythineats

  5. My condolences to you and to Terry. I cannot image the pain that you two felt and will always feel. I pray that you find peace through love, life and family. I hope that you guys are doing well.
    Your friends from Tampa, FL
    xoxo Ashley

    • Thanks Ashley. We have peace and we know that one day we’ll all be together. Somedays are tougher than others but we can get through this because we know it’s the only way to live.

      Thanks for stopping by.

  6. What a very brave piece. My heart goes out to you as I read this with tears in my eyes. I hope that it was cathartic for you and know that sharing it will help others—that much I am sure of. Elizabeth

    • Thank you. That is exactly what I am hoping for through this story. I just want to help anyone out there that I can.
      Thanks for our support have a wonderful day!

  7. You are such a strong, amazing woman! Thank you so much for taking the time, energy and emotion to share your experience. I am so sorry for your loss.

    • Thank you! I would do it again because the response and support I got form you guys has been so sweet and amazing. Thank you and have a wonderful day!

  8. I am deeply sorry for your loss. My eyes are full of tears and my heart feels heavy. Thank you for sharing your pain. I pray that God will give you peace in your heart and that he will truly bless you and your husband.

    • Thank you for such wonderful words, hopes and wishes that you have for my family. It really means so much.

      Have a wonderful day.

  9. I can only imagine what it must have been like to write this post. I’m so sorry for you and your husbands loss. You are very brave and I bet your son is smiling down on you!

    • The post was really tough and under this stressful moment in my life where I am dealing with alot of additional emotions. But the time felt right and I just had to share because I think that it was fair to all mythineats readers and supporters to know that this is a part of my life now. I want to help other through this blog, it’s supposed to be a positive help you look at a food and your body in a positive healthy light and sharing this was important to positivity.

      But it did bring up alot of sadness and I realized that I am still strongly affected by this. But its all therapeutic I guess and I am happy that I’ve gotten so much support for you all. I am truly blessed. Thank you!

  10. I am so sorry and will continue to pray for you and your Hubby. I am a mother of 2 boys…but I have loved and lost other babies of my heart and body too. M. will forever be a part of your heart – you will never forget him. I believe your courage will help to heal so many others. Blessings!

    • It’s stories as your that keep me positive to know that other people have experienced things such as this and still have children. It’s nice to know that although it feels like it life doesn’t stop where the pain starts.

      Thank you so much for your kind words and support.

  11. So very sorry for your loss. Your story is heartbreaking. I, too, lost a child, though at 17 weeks. It tore me apart and I am still picking up the pieces. I hope you are finding some sense of balance in your life and are healing as best you can.

    • Thank you for your kind words. I am healing, I have to otherwise I can’t be the best mom I can be. I have to find it in me, in us the courage to be fine with what occurred, I will never understand it or be happy about it but misery and anger will not bring him back or change things. And I don’t want him to look down on us and see what a miserable family we are. So I choose to try to live life and it moments. I know I can. I have to.

      Thanks for your support and I hope that you are healing also. What’s helped me most is to talk about it and not keep it in.
      Have a wonderful day

  12. I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing it with us. You write so eloquently about your emotions and seem so wise in the way you are dealing with your pain. I am sure it will help others who are experiencing the same thing. My prayers are with you and your husband.

    • Well, unfortunately or maybe fortunately you are not told how to feel; it’s really I think something that you as a human act on as if in autopilot. You tell yourself be strong, don’t let this make you bitter and ruin your life and then all of a sudden you find yourself doing just that. I am happy that I have really tried to go against all odds and try to make things better in my life through this experience. I am so grateful for your support and thanks for the kind words.

      Have a wonderful day.

  13. As a mom to 2 beautiful girls, I could just imagine the horror of going through what you and Terry went through. I am deeply and profoundly sorry.

    • Life is truly a journey of emotions and experiences, not all are good but not all are bad. My experience and emotions on this particular one is bittersweet I am happy to know that I have an angel and sad that I had to go through this to have him. But u can’t change certain events in life so I use my story to inform and help others.

      Thanks for stopping by and for ur wonderful support.

  14. i just finished reading your story and was very deeply moved. What a special woman you are! Words cannot express here the profound sadness that I feel for you and Terry. I have never lost a child but you have described so well how that must feel. I can only say I have experienced a great loss also and I know how long it takes to “get through it’. You will never get over it but you will get through it. One day you will be able to think of that precious baby and you will smile at the memory and not cry. It is true that time is a great healer. This terrible experience believe it or not will make you an even better mother when you have another child. You are a Mother and you do have a child, you have a beautiful angel that lives with God at the moment. I pray that you and Terry find peace and acceptance. You will move forward because that’s all we can really do and I’m sure you will have a happy and wonderful life. Take care and I wish you and Terry the best.

    • Well said. We can only move forward because nothing will change and life is what it is and you must for your sake and the sake of your loved ones but most of all for those in heaven, they loved us and still love us and would hate to see us stuck in a place of unhappiness and bitterness. So moving forward and living life fully as all we have left…. With a couple bumps in the road.
      Thanks for your support

  15. No matter how many times I read this post, just cry through it all, it’s beautiful! and it really describes in it’s best way how you felt,and my heart goes out to you, and no words can really tell, how ;with al that is within me hated the fact that you and Terry,had to go through such pain,such loss,such grieving and hardly find consolation and comfort I love you! I found comfort believing even though painful,that He does all things well, and yet sometimes is hard to accept,He promise to bless those that believe so we may see,but He will even bless much more those who having not seen have believed! and so do I believe my special little baby angel Maddox is on a special mission not only on the other side but here too, he is already touching and comforting others through you! This separation is just for a little time,it will pass and you will have all eternity to spend together and nothing will separate you,not in this life or for eternity,for your little precious baby is yours forever, I love you! …… When you feel the nice breeze touching you and bringing you refreshment or the sun warming you is him with his hugs and kisses…….

    • Thanks Mom. For your kind words but also for being so strong. I love you and I’m happy you’re in our lives.

  16. Thank you for using your voice to give Maddox his own. Your willingness to go to the depths of that pain in order to break the silence is inspiring. And thank you for sharing about the STILL Project. We have many wonderful things in the works and we’re so glad you found us. We celebrate Maddox with you.

    • I Thank the STILL project! Maddox has a voice and has given us the strength to share our story with others so that we too can break the silence that goes along with Pregnancy Loss. Your documentary is what my Husband and I had wished was out while we were going through the emotions, at that moment we researched so much and found close to nothing comforting in regards to what, how and when one heals in these situations.
      Thank you STILL Project for your amazing work!

      Sincerely from within the deepest place in our hearts Thank you!

  17. Cristina, I found your blog as I am currently doing my fifth master cleanse and had googled ?something? that led me here. At first, I just paged through your amazing recipes and well written, engaging posts. Cleansing and looking at your blog is a little like torture – it is utter food porn you are posting.
    I worked backwards to current and so was so saddened to reach this post and learn of your loss. I hope you and your husband have healed a great deal in the past year, though surely nothing will ever remove the sting of your loss entirely. He was a lucky little boy to have gotten to be in your lives for the brief moment in time he was within you and – I believe in reincarnation – have no doubt he will feel your loving, motherly influence regardless. You and your blog are an inspiration and I hope another lone voice out in the interwebs expressing condolences is of some comfort. Thank you so much for taking the time and allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to share the story of Maddox. I appreciated all of your words, but especially this last post. I look forward to your future posts and truly mean it when I say I feel lucky to have stumbled upon your blog. I am cleansing to help break myself of some bad habits I fall into whenever depressed. Reading your posts, I immediately started to feel lighter and more optimistic. You level-headed, rational approach to balance was something I sometimes do quite well, but sometime need to be reminded of, and I thank you. You inspire me and I’m sure countless others. Sending love, positivity and strength.

    • Wow Shelly,
      First off thanks for your amazing compliments and loving words of comfort.
      Secondly, I’m glad that you enjoy this blog. It’s the people as yourself that make me feel happy I don’t give up and give me the inspiration to continue blogging. I sometimes wonder if people do actually like mythineats and then confirmations pour in like ur comment.
      Thirdly, thanks for the condolences. We are striving to be the best we can and enjoying and loving eachother all the while trying to help comfort & educate others in similar situations & it’s really been fantastic to know that we didn’t go through this for no reason, if we can help others and truly understand their feelings it’s rewarding in and of itself.
      Fourth & lastly, The master Cleanse! I hope you got to read my post about it?! It’s a fantastic way to clear your mind and body of negativity. I have done it about 10 times although last time was when I wrote my post last year. For some reason I just haven’t felt the need to do it again (which is odd cuz I used to do it once or twice a year) but I know how great it can make you feel. The recipes in mythineats all stem from the fact that I am a health fanatic in the simplest of ways, nothing is complicated and I take whatever I feel like eating and make it as healthy as possible. I never give up on the foods I love because what I post about is exactly the foods I crave. I don’t have weight issues because cooking foods in their most natural form with few ingredients really works well with the body and its digestive system. I hope when u get off the cleanse you are able to try some of the recipes and let me know what you think.

      Well, thanks so much for stopping by mythineats and hope that you have a fantastic day!

  18. I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine the pain you went through. I lost my mom about 5 years ago and I still grieve. I don’t think grief ever goes away, it’s always there in your heart somewhere, and that’s OK because something like this is not something you can ever forget.
    Sending you lots of love and virtual hugs.

    • Wow. That’s so sweet and nice of you to say. My condolences to you. I’m sure that you are a strong wonderful woman and ur mother is super proud of you.
      Thanks for your nice words.

  19. Thank you for sharing your grief and being vulnerable enough to share it. Grief isn’t talked about enough in our society in my opinion. There really are no words to express my sadness. I will pray for your family tonight that you will be comforted. Hugs to you and your family.

    • Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words. It’s so nice to know that there are people out there like yourself that appreciate our story.
      Thanks for all the support.

  20. You are a very courageous woman and a conqueror. By now you are aware that there is no answer, no reason and no guilt of your own, in what you went through. Maddox will always be in your heart and you’ll always have your angel .It is a wonder just like when you were expecting a child and got an angel instead. Life does hold a child for you if you let it…please don’t let what happened keep you from experiencing one of the most healing, life changing and rewarding things a human can experience. You were really looking forward and enjoying it with your angel. You can again. As the courageous woman you are you can conquer your fears and share all of your incredible love to a child. When you are ready again :). I cannot offer a prayer because I don’t pray. I can only offer support in my words. And that you trust in a universal abundance of creation and Love.
    Sincerely Ms.Naomi

    • Wow. This is such a wonderful comment you posted. I am in awe at how sweet a person can be to a complete stranger.

      I never really thought of it the way you put it ‘I wished for a child and I got an Angel instead’, those are powerful words. Thank you!

      I am not going to give up I will try again but for now I am taking my time to focus on my life and my husband enjoying every moment we have.

      Thanks again for such wonderful and beautiful support. We thank you more than you will ever know.

      Much love

  21. This is Lauren Hunt (Irving) childhood friend of Terrys my mom is very close to Sharon. I know Ive introduced myself here before as I love all your recipes you are inspirational. Im so glad you were able to share this simply even as part of your healing. I know how excited we all were for you both and how deeply saddened we were at the news of your loss. Maddox will be remembered and loved always! Gods plan does not always make sense I know that first hand but somehow hes created us to bare more than we can imagine. Heaven is a much more beautiful place with your son in it and I know that reunion will be worth the wait~

    • Thank you Lauren, for the kind words and the support. It’s been a stepping stone each day but we are healing and most of all dealing. We know that we will never truly heal but we can get better and learn to live with this as a part of our life.
      I once read that he gives you so much to bare because he knows u can handle it. I guess he knew that we weren’t going to let this take charge of our lives in a negative way and although it didn’t feel that way at the beginning it sure turned out that way. If I can help others and encourage them through our loss then I know it was for a reason. ( I don’t always feel like that, but I try to each and everyday).

      Thanks so much for the support
      Much love Cris & Terry

  22. You are right Cristina, it always hurts, you never forget and you never know what will make you randomly cry but life does go on and you build your resilience and strength. When I went into hospital to have my baby all was well, but a knot in the cord meant that as he was born we lost him. I went on to have three more babies (all at uni now) they have brought much joy and happiness but their elder brother is never forgotten. Despite the sadness I have been blessed – I’m sure in years to come you will be able to say the same. Marie.

    • Thanks for your encouraging words.
      I’m sorry for your loss. But happy to know that you have 3 kids that fill your heart.

      Yes, it’s hard to get to know when exactly something will resurface and make u cry or sad. But the best thing is to know that it’s ok to feel like that allow honor that moment to him get it out and be able to go on. I don’t fight it anymore it’s a part of my life I can’t control every feeling but it’s nice to know that in not resisting and taking that time for myself I am able to be there for others.

      Have a wonderful day

  23. I’m so for your loss! My heart goes out to you. I started a foundation in memory of my son Joseph Michael. He was bron sleeping October 17, 2008. This foundation is for all the babies gone too soon which means this is our foundation. Please visit our site http://www.jmkf.org. We have had a hard time spreading the word and getting people to help out with donation. As I’m sure you know most people to want to talk about it. My goal for 2014 is to help break the silence, it’s time people know our babies exist.

    • That’s wonderful.
      I think what you are doing is wonderful and I’m comforted to know that there is a good thing come out of your situation. (and min as well)

      As women and humans I think the sweetest thing is to support each other get the word out and to love unconditionally.

      Thanks for stopping by and Happy Holidays!

  24. Cristina, you are Awesome, Brave and Strong! I Love and Admire you, first as my Daughter-in-Law and secondly as a Woman! The bravery it took to express these feelings and the open and beautiful way you did it, I’ll always remember! Nothing and I mean nothing with the exception of losing my Sister, Gwenie, when she was eight and I sixteen ever effected like the loss of Maddox! I learned at 16 what death is bringing my lifeless sister down the steps to my Mother, because she had a feeling and couldn’t go upstairs herself. Death is final, cruel, unfair, and an emptiness that can’t be healed, only endured! I was so angry at God for taking our precious baby while so many family and friends with babies in their bellies were anticipating their babies! I would not go around any of them because I was so angry and hurt! I stayed away from Ashley for that reason! I truly believe God sent Braden to me to help me endure Maddox’s loss! Having that baby boy eased my pain and gave me a reason to hope and love again! I’m so glad people are opening up about stillbirth and not acting like it’s something shameful and not to be talked about! Those babies lived inside their mother’s wombs, they lived! They kicked, responded to their parents voices and touches, don’t treat them as nothings! I’m shocked at that doctor saying what he said to you!!! How cruel, instead of saying shit like that they should have a protocol that encourages parents to hold and spend time with their babies.

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